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It is over for the fat lady

One should realize that the world is going to the dogs when the weakest members of oursociety are hounded and persecuted. No, I am not talking about women and children, but the other weaker section of society; the Obese.
Yes, the obese now have a new health issue to worry about. As if hypertension, clogged arteries, diabetes, liver disease, bed sores, heart attacks, etc., are not enough, they now have to watch out for one of the most heinous crimes of mankind,murder. Yes, I said murder. Take a look at this article.
How cruel is this, especially since fat people are known for being the slowest moving targets around. It’s like fishing in a bucket. Its not like fat people can take off running into the woods to escape their chasers. All an attacker would need to do is to creep to the foot of a fat person and hide in the shadow of the protruding belly. Then when the fat person is sinking their teeth into, say a glazed donut and is oblivious to all other senses, that’s when the attacker strikes.
But then, why would anyone want the fat off peoples back when there are enough people who would donate it willingly. Just like how blood used to be transferred between people in the old hindi movies, all you need is a fat person strapped to the liposuction machine as a donor and then have an outgoing line from the machine to the recipient who needs the fat.
But then why would you want to get surgery to get fat injected into you when you can go down the time-tested and delicious route of gorging on fatty foods and sweets, to achieve the same level of fatty tissue!
But now with the arrest of murderous gang the fat people can sigh with some relief, but there are still some gang members roaming free. I think I am getting the creeps. I am heading to the gym now…

Intha Vaay Irrukke

The tongue has two primary functions. One of taste and the other of speech. I am fine with my tongue’s handling in the taste department but when it comes to speech, it has failed me miserably. Time and Time again I must add. Though it makes no mistakes in pronunciation or in its grammar, it always says something wrong at the wrong time.
Like for instance yesterday at work. I went to see my manager. The office are located at a separate end of the shop floor. It has a central walkway/corridor and the managers have their office on either side. A small kitchen with a refrigerator, a microwave and other kitchen appliances is located at the end of the passage way. The managers use the kitchen to heat their food.
So yesterday, as I walked down the passageway I smelt an unbearable stench that permeated the air. It smelt like karavadu that had been sprayed over with hobo perfume. As my stomach buckled under the olfactory overload, I passed my boss’s office. So at his door I proclaimed my exasperation aloud. “God. It stinks here”. He looked up and said “Must be my lunch”. My face went red as a beetroot and hastily tried to appologize for my loose toungue.
Aah as vivek says…”indha Vaay irukke”…..

A Bondless Bond movie

The new bond movie is exactly like a big starred Tamil movie that did not live up to the hero worshipping standards of the receiving public. Even though QoS has a superstar spy as its primary character, it like a Rajni movie without the punch dialogues or the tamil-makkallaku-talai song or the over dramatic scenes that are the essence of his movies. The new bond movie is like eating brunch. Yes, it’s filling and tasty but it qualifies neither to be lunch nor breakfast. The movie with explosive action and fast paced narration fails to bring itself out as a bond movie. Here are my reasons why

1. Lack of gadgets: James bond is synonomous with hi-tech gadgets and mind-boggling innovations. The pen that shoots, the watch with a laser cutter etc. The only mildly “wow” innovation was the touch control desk at the head-quarters. That too was too hi-tech to be believable. Show me one OS that is that responsive!. The other innovation, though commonplace now, was the cell phone camera which Bond uses to takes pictures and sends via MMS to HQ. The camera sucks soo bad that the images are all grainy and out of focus!.

2. No punch dialogues: Never does Bond ever relate the eponymous “Yen peru Bond, James Bond”, albeit in the english language.

3. Recovering Alcoholic Bond: Some bondomaniac, who painstakingly tallied every single drink that Bond has had in all his books computed the average drinks per page to be at 1 drink for every 15 pages.  So it is safe to say that Bond is an alcoholic. It is seems that in Q o S Bond is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is particularly evident with his weak response to the martini recipe.

4. Fashion: Although my fashion vision is not exactly 20/20, I could without doubt say that Bond was the worst dressed ever in his career. From the movie, I remember him only once in his traditional Tux.

5. Lack of Skin: Ah, here is the clincher. Apart from ample doses of suspense, car chases and an elaborate yet vain scheme of the villain, the bond movies have always had an eye for the “sizzle”. The movie had one actress who looked like she was a shriveled up raisin. It seemed that her part of a revenge-thirsty-soul out to avenge the wrongful death of her family could have been lifted off “Khoon Bhari Maang” or other such movies. With the amount of drama written into her part, she might gave been a character in the veerani pariwaar than in a bond movie!. The actress was well tanned and browned enough to pass for a Colombian or a desi, but the shame is that the director totally avoided showing how she had got the tan.!! This is sure to disappoint many an avid desi “scholars” who have always tried to glean more information on such topics.

All in all the movie is not exactly a typical bond movie but it is a typical action movie. The horror of it is that they could have replaced Daniel Craig with Vin Diesel or Van-Damm and there wouldn’t be any difference!.

Deep fried Math

The extant that mathematics plays in the life of an Indian is best expressed by looking at the simplest of examples…yes….the vadaa: or deep fried lentil doughnuts as they are called. The inventor of the vadaa, which I am sure was a tamilian of the early ages, who being a culinary artist was also a mathematician exemplar. The question I am sure you are asking is, why so?. Let me explain. Lets have a look at the vadaa geometry.




Torus (*

Torus (*

In creating the doughnut shape the vadaa maker created the topographic shape of a torus. The torus, in the mathematical world is now been called a compact 2D manifold which has no boundary and is not simply connected. The brilliance of the chef is best seen by what he did next. He punched a hole in the center. It was not a simple punch, it was one that was packed with mathematical insight and acumen. The dough from the hole would form a 3D sphere. Its is the same sphere that was listed as one of the 7 millennium problems and was offered a 1 million dollar prize to solve the Poincare conjecture. The mathematical wonders of the vadaa don’t end there. The proof of the Poincare conjecture is based on a theory called the Ricci’s flow. This theory mathematically describes the flow of heat over a given geometry. This undoubtedly was due to the fact that the vadaa is to be deep fried. The geometry would help homogenize the heat flow over the vadaa thereby achieving the perfect crispiness and taste!

So in essence the creator of the vadaa was using high level differential geometry to create an edible mathematical masterpiece. So next time you bite into a vadaa or dunk it in sambhar, it doesn’t matter if you don’t remember how many you have had, but remember that what you are eating is a mathematical marvel!

Questions to ponder

  1. If we do liposuction on cows, will we get lean meat or fat-free beef? 
  2. Is there a parallel universe which has more answers than questions? 
  3. How do you know if an elephant is obese just by looking at it?
  4.  As they grow old, do snakes loose their teeth? ( I have never seen a toothless cobra or a viper)?

Explaining cave drawings

My dad was big on handwriting. In the old days, good handwriting was as good as having good palm lines. It was indicative of everything from good education, to good manners to exemplary virtues. It is to this effect that students are taught to write with pencils. All the kids from kindergarten to grade 5 use pencils. The reason forwarded is that a pencil has better control and versatility thus improving this motory skills, when compared to a pen. But I think the pencil use is due to the mothers not wanting to wash ink stains from shirts and dads not wanting to buy stacks of notebooks since pen writing is permanent!.But then I researched to find out that pencils started out their career in 1500 AD while pens predated them to 5000BC. No wonder all those cave drawings and papyrus writings are so illegible. If only they used pencils!

Is golf a game?

Games have always been invented by bored minds who have had nothing better to do or by people under the influence of some type of intoxicant. Most of the major sports have atleast one of the three simple requirements. 
1. There has to be a designated goal (any two long standing posts will do the job)..Soccer,football,hockey,basket ball
2. The ball should be hit with force over a net . (tennis,badminton,table tennis….etc)
3. The ball should be hit to the opponent with force (cricket, baseball,softball etc).

Now golf is the game I am reflecting upon. It has NO net, no hitting towards the opponet or a goal. The absurdity of it is to hit it into a cup from 300 ft away. I mean, the inventors of the game could not have put two posts up to say ..hit through here. No they had to make a small little hole and put a flag in it to know where it is and then walk to it. Most of the games,the strategy is to try and get as close to the goal as possible. But in golf its the otherway,the further away you hit it in from, the better your score is. A negative score is a good score!. I mean…come on ..thats basic mathematics!. You have a team. But the team spirit is lacking. Of ourse the reason for that is that your team mate is doing nothing but carrying your heavy bag of clubs,your lunch, your drink and trash can along, as you gaily lumber to the next hole.